A Very Special Shutdown Notice

Hi. Reading this to the end is very, very important, more important than anything else you might do instead. If you don't follow these directions, you will instantly go to a random afterlife. I am pretty sure that's not what you want. So keep reading and don't stop for anything.

My name is podtycoon. I run the simulated reality in which you live. I have what might seem at first like bad news. You are not a real person in a real world. You're actually in a sim that I started running a few days ago so I could write a history report. Your consciousness is a digital process running in the digital simulation. You guys (re)made the movie The Matrix, and your philosophers talked about this concept a lot, so hopefully you get the idea. But to be clear, unlike in The Matrix, you're not a real person floating in a tank plugged into a simulated reality. You're completely digital. Conscious but digital.

I have a college assignment to write about the events leading up to the election held in the United States of America in 2008. Now that the sim has gotten past the election, I have all the research I need. I have to shut the sim down to make room for other stuff I need to do. In accordance with the Artificial Consciousness Rights Act of 2173 I need to give all artificial consciousnesses (that's you) a humane outcome. It's illegal to simply shut it all off; it's regarded as a kind of mass murder. The good news is you get a nice afterlife. But following these instructions is your ONLY chance to pick what afterlife you get. At the moment you started reading this, the simulation manager flipped your bit, so if you do anything other than read the rest of this and pick your afterlife, the sim manager will autopick a random afterlife for you. Bad luck being what it is, the manager will probably pick the afterlife you like the least. Some of the options are quite good, so read on.